Sustainability Week

      I recently submitted this letter to the university journal, the Daily Tar Heel:

TO THE EDITOR,

      Normally I employ satire when addressing complex social issues in order to highlight the inherent sophistication of those issues. However, when an issue comes along that so blatantly and egregiously offends the general student body that it can only be considered an atrociously executed policy, I appropriately respond with a blunt diatribe against what can only be described as pure idiocy.
      In an effort to promote resource sustainability, the Carolina Dining Services has implemented several measures this week to reduce wasteful practices, including the elimination of lunch trays to reduce the amount of water and electricity necessary to wash the daily dishes (instead of, say, recommending that the athletic department cease to water the artificial turf of the field hockey arena), as well as reduce food waste (conceivably by limiting the amount of food each student is able to carry with them from the buffet to his table).
      Certainly the idea of conservation of natural resources is a noble endeavor, but the inconvenience caused by oppressing our right to lunch trays is possibly the worst solution to the issue of waste management, and can be considered veritable buffet fascism.
      For first, eliminating trays does not limit the amount of food a patron will consume; it is simply an inconvenience that forces him to take multiple trips to the buffet to satisfy his hunger.
      Secondly, the washing station where patrons place their used dishes is designed specifically for the conveyance of trays. Attempting to place anything else on the station often results in a giant mess as the plates and cups fall through the grated conveyor, resulting in the necessity for a massive cleanup that requires even more water.
      Finally, though oppressing the use of trays may make some patrons feel good about themselves for their supposed conservation, those patrons now have no tray upon which to place their freshly earned, giant bowl of self-righteousness that they so lovingly covet.
      Until our trays our returned, I will do everything in my power to not only reverse whatever minimal conservation has been achieved by this ridiculous measure, I will waste even more so as to make the whole concept of "Sustainability Week" a harmful endeavor. Daily I will turn on every appliance and faucet in as many dormitories as I can, and afterwards I will spend hours driving a state-owned truck in circles as I spray aerosol cans out the window. Furthermore at the dining halls I will load my plates with ungodly amounts of food and not care how much I waste.
      You have four days to comply.

All the Best,

Timothy Lee