Running Commentary: WWE Monday Night RAW
During the course of my seventh year of public education, I, like so many of my peers, became enamored in the spectacle of the World Wrestling Federation. Every Monday I eagerly counted down the hours until the clock struck nine, signaling the start of the WWF’s flagship series, Monday Night RAW. Superstars like Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mankind, the Undertaker, and my favorite, The Rock entertained the millions (and millions) of the WWF’s fans every Monday from nine to eleven with the zeal that only muscled, half-naked men hurling insults pretending to beat each other senseless can bring. And though my bedtime forced me to abandon each episode halfway through at ten o’clock, my love for the show never waned.
My love for the show waned after a couple of years. The WWF became the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) in a legal settlement with the ruthless savages of the World Wildlife Fund, and many of the superstars I had come to favor had faded from the business altogether.
But everything changed last year when my good friend Danny Horwedel reintroduced me to the WWE. And though the stars of my youth have given way to fresh faces, I quickly picked up on the storylines, and once again every Monday I began to count down the hours until clock struck nine.
I wholeheartedly believe that Monday Night RAW is the best show on television, with its non-stop action, amazing presentation, and completely ridiculous plot lines. In an effort to spread my love for the show to a larger audience, I have decided to write a running commentary of a recent telecast of Monday Night Raw on the USA Network to share with my audience everything they may be missing by not watching the weekly event.
Without further ado, a running commentary:
9:00 — The show opens up with a highlight montage reminding viewers that last week Randy "The Legend Killer" Orton grabbed the reigning WWE champion John "I’m terrible at wrestling and though the WWE keeps pushing me as a good guy champion everyone still hates me" Cena’s father and mule-kicked him in the face. Usually its pretty obvious when the writing staff is trying to make one wrestler the "bad guy," but I’m not sure where paternal punting lands on the good/bad spectrum.
*Orton 3:16 says I just kicked your dad
9:04 — Announcer Jim Ross tells us that this week’s RAW is coming to us live from THE Ohio State University. Coincidentally tonight’s main event sees THE crowd of THE Ohio State University working themselves into an over-hyped frenzy only to get obliterated twice by a crowd from the University of Florida.
9:05 — The first match is between my favorite current wrestler Jeff "The Rainbow-Haired Warrior" Hardy and Umaga "The Samoan Bulldozer" Umaga for the Intercontinental Title. And yes, Jeff Hardy is in desperate need of a new nickname.
9:05 — One of the reasons I love Jeff Hardy so much is because of his entrance dance, which consists of him pumping his hands in the air and thrusting his pelvis to the beat of his music. I’m busting that one out on a random girl next time I’m at the club.
9:06 — That jungle beat can only mean one thing: Umaga-time! Umaga’s gimmick is that he’s from the island of Samoa and, since he’s not American, is completely uncivilized and has a vocabulary consisting of the words "AUGHGHHG" and "BWAHHHH."
9:06 — Jim Ross wonders if this may be Jeff Hardy’s opportunity to pull of an "Appalachian State against Umaga in Umaga’s Big House." Apparently the Samoan Bulldozer went to Ohio State. This explains a lot.
9:10 — They just cut to a commercial break in the middle of the match. The break consisted of ads for a movie about dragons taking over New York, Just For Men hair coloring, a videogame, and underwear, more videogames, and movie about Russell Crowe killing people. This kind of advertising diversity really confuses me as to what demographic wrestling is appealing.
9:19 — Jeff Hardy pins Umaga, becoming the new Intercontinental Champion. Now he need only capture the Interoceanic Championship belt for his quest for global domination to be complete.
9:13 — After being told to "wrap it up" by the off-camera crew after a Craig David joke, Italian wrestler Santino Marella tells the stagehand to "shutup-a-you-face," further proof of the efficacy of WWE’s Positive Portrayal of Minorities in Wrestling Campaign (WWEPPMWC).
9:48 — Randy Orton comes on the Jumbo-tron and tells everyone that it was in fact Cena’s fault that his dad was kicked in the face for not giving Orton a re-match. I completely empathize with Orton here. I kick dads in the head all the time when I have disputes with their sons. For instance, when my roommate Mano came by the other day and reminded me to pitch in my share of the rent, I grabbed his dad and wham! heel to the face. Mano immediately apologized.
9:51 — General Manager William Regal announces that a rematch has been scheduled between the two rivals. Orton thanks Regal and announces that he hopes Cena’s dad never forgives Cena for what happened last week. Again, totally understandable, Mano’s father won’t speak to him for me kicking him in the face.
9:52 — And here comes the WWE champ, John Cena, trying his best to act like he’s angry without actually saying anything. He’s doing everything from squinching up his face to putting his hands on his hips and shaking his head. In acting, that’s what you call a triple threat, folks.
9:54 — Cena assaults Regal and applies a submission hold from behind, but it sure looks like something else. Oh, and add "can make face turn red" and "can yell WAHHHHH" to John Cena’s acting repertoire.
*"The General Manager of RAW has been physically violated!" —Jim Ross
9:56 — Announcer Jim Ross sums up the attack by saying "The General Manager of RAW has been physically violated!" That pretty much sums it up.
10:01 — They’re giving in-ring announcer Lillian Garcia a lot of face-time tonight. When I went to RAW in Fayetteville on August 20th, I went to get Lillian’s autograph/phone number after the show but was shafted for a kid in a wheelchair. Needless to say I grabbed the nearest folding chair and smashed it over the kid’s head a few dozen times, then kicked his father in the face.
10:08 — London and Kendrick, whose gimmick is that they are terrible, beat "The World’s Greatest Tag Team" in a match, then rush back to Burger King to resume their day shift (courtesy of Bill Simmons).
10:15 — I love it when fans in the background realize they are on TV and start going berserk. I did the same thing when I went to RAW.
*This is me on Monday Night Raw at Fayetteville, NC on August 20th, 2007
10:22 — Daivari, an ethnic Iranian wrestler who’s gimmick is spouting anti-American sentiments (another proud WWEPPMWC graduate), just sang a duet of "Summer Nights" from Grease with female wrester Jillian in arabic, only to have the performance interrupted by Cody Rhodes and Mickie James for an impromptu co-red tag team match. Because nothing segue’s into a gender-blind beat down like foreign language show tunes.
10:25 — Speaking of Daivari, why stop at making him an anti-American Middle Easterner? Why not go for broke and make him a gay pedophile who steals corporate 401k plans from retiring employees, just to make sure that everybody really hates him?
10:33 — Triple H’s entrance (the lights dim, the first chords from "The Game" by Motorhead play, and then HHH comes out spitting water all over the crowd) gets me excited every time. Which reminds me that if I had a genie, my first wish would be that every time I entered a room, the lights would dim, fireworks would explode, and my theme song would play as I came in through the door to raucous cheers (IF YA SMELL [da da] WHAT TIM [ba ba] IS COOKIN’ [dummm dum dummmm]).
10:39 — After about eight chair shots to the head of Umaga, fan favorite Triple H grabs his sledgehammer from under the ring hits him in the forehead, causing him to bleed profusely. Meanwhile the medical team has been sent in to treat Jim Ross’ aneurysm.
10:44 — Pools of blood are gathering in the ring as Umaga sits limp on his knees, completely out of it. The bell signaling the end of the match has already been rung, so what does good-guy HHH do? He smashes him over the head with the sledgehammer again, naturally. (Did I mention that when I went to RAW I sat next to a father and his two six-year-old boys? I guess they have to learn how to bludgeon defenseless Samoans somehow.)
10:55 — Here comes WWE owner Vince McMahon to be confronted by his money-grubbing family concerning his still unidentified illegitimate child. Accompanying Vince to the ring is his black yes-man, Jonathan Coachman, another alumnus of the WWEPPMWC.
10:52 — Now his wife Linda, son Shane, and daughter Stephanie all come out to their respective theme songs. How great would it be if all family hearings proceeded like this? Somewhere Maury Povich is smiling.
10:55 — In an attempt to win Stephanie over, Vince shows a video montage titled "A Father’s Love" on the jumbotron reminding her of all wonderful father-daughter moments they’ve had. Instead, thanks to Triple H, highlights from a previous match between the two are shown in which Vince blindsides, clotheslines, suplexes, and chokes his daughter in the ring, and then, for good measure, choke slams his wife. (Did I mention that when I went to RAW I sat next to a father and his two little boys? I guess they have to learn how to establish dominance over female family members somehow.)
11:00 — The crowd starts chanting "Asshole! Asshole!" in reference to Vince, to which he replies, "The next time you call my wife that, I’m going to beat the hell out of you!" I love wrestling.
11:04 — Turns out Mr. McMahon’s son is wrestler Mr. Kennedy, who’s gimmick is that he grabs a microphone from the ceiling and yells his own name repeatedly. Coincidentally I do the same thing when answering the teacher’s roll call in my classes.
11:07— Just kidding. A lawyer representing the bastard son’s mother just announced that Mr. Kennedy is not his illegitimate child, who’s true identity will not be revealed for another week. Mr. Kennedy then gets into a heated debate with Stephanie. I don’t understand why he’s not kicking Vince in the head right now.
11:09 — Announcer Jerry "The King" Lawyer ends the show by saying "Well thptf...wait till next week to find out...to...dah...looking up...well..what...who?" to end the show. Somewhere Porky Pig is smiling.
And so concludes a successful running commentary on one of the greatest shows on television, WWE Monday Night RAW.
