Legends of the Hidden Temple—A Running Commentary
My
favorite current writer is Bill Simmons, better known as
ESPN.com’s “The Sports Guy.” Simmons
writes about sports from a fan’s perspective, weaving
commentary with pop culture references and humor, all while maintaining
a simple and direct discourse. Often he will write about a televised
sporting or cultural event in the form of a running
diary—that is, he will analyze the show minute-by-minute as
it occurs and write his thoughts on what just happened.
Because I
am an aspiring writer, I feel it necessary, as has been done so
much in the past by so many, to emulate the style of the great writers
of the generation and offer my own running commentary. But instead of
focusing on sports or current events, I will write about something far
more meaningful to my life: Nickelodeon shows from the early and
mid-nineties, specifically the historical game show Legends of the
Hidden Temple.
Hosted by
the upbeat Kirk Fogg, Legends
of the Hidden Temple featured six teams
of two children (one boy and one girl) and pitted them against one
another in feats of physical dexterity and mental aptitude. The last
remaining team would then tackle the Temple and attempt to rescue an
artifact through the obstacle course within an allotted time. The show
had a thrilling three-season run from 1993-1995, and still airs
regularly on the Nickelodeon Games and Sports (GAS) network.
Without
further ado, a running commentary:
0:00 — The camera pans in through
fake foliage to show Olmec, a giant talking stone-head-puppet
with light-up eyes, voiced by Ron Burgandy from Anchorman. Olmec
introduces the show to a jungle-beat theme song and monkey calls. The
whole thing feels a bit racist, but nothing really stands out, so
I’ll hold my tongue.
0:00 — The host Kirk Fogg swings in
on a rope and points to his homies, namely Olmec and the cameraman.
Kirk is wearing a casual button-down with rolled-up sleeves and jeans.
He looks like every reporter who has to do an on-location piece from
anywhere that’s not in the U.S. or Europe.
0:01 — The teams are introduced to
the camera, each kid giving the obligatory scream and raised index
finger, laying the foundation for becoming every on-air fan during a
college basketball game.
0:02 — Olmec explains that the teams
have to swing across a pit filled with water and dry ice without
falling. Kirk Fogg asks each team if they’re ready then asks
Olmec if he’s ready, to which Olmec replies,
“Let’s get swinging.” I love old
Nickelodeon.
0:03 — I always rooted for the
Silver Snakes. Day in and day out, the Silver Snakes showed the grit
and determination necessary to take it to the next level and dominate
the competition. Predictably, the Silver Snakes are the first team to
cross the moat, thanks mostly to the giant girl on the team who is
probably a young Rebecca Lobos. I wonder if the show’s
officials had all the participants tested for steroids. Wait a minute,
this
episode was taped in 1993. Steroids were legal back then.
0:04 — The three other teams to
advance to the next round are the Blue Barracudas, the Green Monkeys,
and the Red Jaguars. Pretty stiff competition, and I’m
especially weary of the Blue Barracudas, a perennial powerhouse that
always gave the Silver Snakes a run. I would much rather be up against
the Purple Parrots. The producers always put the
short, fat, goofy kids on the Purple Parrots, perhaps to make a
statement against gay pride. On an unrelated note, the guy who voiced
Olmec also provides the voice of Sponge Bob Square Pants.
0:04 — Each of the four advancing
teams gets a prize for their achievement. The prize for this round? A
VHS copy of Cinderella. And no, not the animated classic. The remake
staring Brandy Norwood, the singer and star of the hit sitcom Moesha. I
looked Brandy up on IMDB to see what she was up to these days.
Apparently she converted to Scientology and just killed a lady and
paralyzed her two children because she failed to slow her Land Rover
down in traffic on the freeway. Good times.
0:06 — Olmec explains to the teams
the story behind the artifact of the day, the Jeweled Scabbard of
Schwarza. Apparently a Spanish woman named Catalina defended her town
with the scabbard from an invading army of Venetians. I attempted to
authenticate this information, but a Google search of
“Jeweled Scabbard of Schwarza” (and any variant of
spelling that I could think of) yielded not a single result. Anyway,
the scabbard has made its way to the Incan Temple, there for the taking
by any of the white contestants who make it to the final round. I never
realized how entertaining the plunder of priceless artifacts from a
native people could be.
0:07 — Olmec asks the teams
questions about the story to be answered Jeopardy-style, with the top
two teams advancing to the next round. The Silver Snakes and Green
Monkeys jump out to a commanding two-point lead, needing to answer only
one more question each for victory, whereas the Blue Barracudas have
yet to buzz in. Already half the crowd begins to yell
“Silver!” while the other half responds
“Snakes!”
0:08 — Dah! After the Green Monkeys
locked up the number one seed, the Blue Barracudas came out of nowhere
to answer three straight questions and secure the final spot heading
into the third round. Silver Snakes, what happened? Now I know what it
felt like to be a Yankees fan in the 2004 American League Championship
Series. Kirk Fogg even rubs it in their faces with a sarcastic
“nice effort” comment.
0:08 — The prize for a round two
victory? A Looney Tunes Armitron watch featuring a rotating dial. I
just checked eBay and found one going for $1.25. I think I’ll
bid on it and wear it with my Silver Snakes t-shirt so at least I can
have a moral victory.
0:12 — Now the two teams battle
against one another in feats of physical dexterity to advance to the
next round. The first contest involves the male member of each team
jumping
up and down on a trampoline and attempting to throw foam rocks into the
opposing player’s goal. Kirk Fogg sums it up by saying,
“You’ll be hurlin’ some big
‘ole rocks right through the hole.” I
don’t know if it is more appropriate to respond with a crack
reference or a “That’s what she said.”
0:14 — The Green Monkeys edge out a
fourteen-to-twelve victory but fail to cover the three-and-half point
spread.
0:14 — The next contest involves the
girls from either team riding a shaking log like a rodeo bull, gaining
points if her opponent falls. Kirk Fogg’s advice:
“You gotta lock your legs and find your rhythm.”
0:16 — Rebecca of the Blue
Barracudas coasts to an easy four-to-nothing shutout. I have a feeling
that to this day Rebecca has never bought her own drink in a bar that
has a mechanical bull.
0:17 — The next contest involves
both teammates on either side of a wall, strapped together by a mutual
bungee chord threaded through the divider. One teammate must toss a
rubber cannonball over his head onto a shifting roof while the other
has to run out and catch it for a point as it rolls across and falls to
her side. It is impossible for the kids to tell when the ball will come
down from the platform, and more difficult to catch because of the
shared bungee chord. Final score: 0-0. Obviously Olmec is fighting off
the immenent plunder of his Temple by white invaders with poorly
designed qualifying games. Incan power!
0:18 — Overtime! The officials bring
out a Family Feud-style buzzer and Olmec asks the teams a question
about the history of the Jeweled Scabbard. You could cut the tension in
the air with a knife. Or a jeweled scabbard.
0:18 — And it's the Green Monkeys in
a stunning upset victory! They celebrate by doing the Running-man dance
while Rebecca from the Blue Barracudas slams the podium in anger.
Don’t worry, Blue Barracudas, you get a pair of Sketchers as
a consolation prize.
0:22 — Olmec explains the quickest
path through the Temple to the Jeweled Scabbard, detailing exactly how
to get through each room. It won’t matter, though. In the
history of televised game shows, no event has had a lower rate of
success
than the Temple Run. Seriously, nobody ever won, and it was always
because the kid in the Temple would make the dumbest mistakes like
putting the monkey head
on backwards in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey and stand there for two
minutes wondering why the door to the next room wouldn’t
open, all while Kirk Fogg yelled “The head is on backwards!
Turn the head around!” Every kid in America watched this show
and thought to himself, “Man, I could do a better job than
these idiots.” I think they should bring this show back, only
make the contestants college students and see if they fared any better.
Seriously, who wouldn’t watch this?
0:24 — The prizes for a successful
Temple Run: a tennis racquet, a “portable” CD
player (a giant boom box that fits eight D batteries), and
a trip for two to Jamaica. I’m beginning to think the only
prize from any of the old Nickelodeon game shows that was worth having
was the Piece of the Aggro Crag from the show Guts. Seriously, can you
think of a better adornment to a college dorm room than a glowing piece
of that radical rock?
0:25 — Olmec moans in orgasm as he
lowers the Temple gate. I’m not kidding.
0:25 — Oh, that’s total
crap. The very first room had a Temple Guard in it, forcing Lacie to
give up her only Pendant of Life. Again, nobody ever won on this show,
and it doesn’t look like the Green Monkeys will break that
trend any time soon.
0:26 — Lacie is still stuck in the
first room because she didn’t realize that the exit door had
already opened. Man, I could do a better job than these idiots. At this
point I am openly rooting for Olmec and his Temple Guards to deny these
kids their trip to Jamaica.
0:26 — Two minutes left on the
countdown timer. Lacie is in the Chamber of the Secret Marker, taking
her time as she lines up the plaques to advance to the next room. The
Temple Run music is blaring in the background, sounding like an old
Mega Man boss theme. I wonder if there is some way to make it my ring
tone.
0:27 — One minute and thirty seconds
remain. Little Lacie is still struggling in the Chamber of the Secret
Marker.
Just as she puts the final plaque in place a Temple Guard jumps out
from the wall and scares her shitless as he drags her to the depths of
the Temple. Kind of reminds me of the tribal scene in the
original King Kong. But can you really blame him? How would
you
react if
some stranger broke into your home, rearranged your rooms, and then
attempted to steal a priceless family heirloom? And while
we’re on the subject of the Temple Guards: how did a
kid’s show ever get away with the concept of
feathered men in loincloths jumping out of coffins or trees or walls
and veritably
molesting the contestant unless he gave the Guard a pendant? Even
stranger, how did no kid ever get so startled by a sudden Temple Guard
attack that he just kicked the Guard right in the crotch on pure
reflex? These are the questions that people need to be asking.
0:27 — Lacie’s partner
Asher runs in to pick up where she left off. Only one minute and
fifteen seconds remain. There’s no way that he’s
making it out with that Scabbard in time.
0:27 — One minute left and Asher is
only one room away from the Jeweled Scabbard. I’m not too
worried about it, though. Something always happens just as the
contestants close in on the artifact. Take this example, excerpted from
the Legends of the Hidden Temple article on Wikipedia:
0:28
— Asher has the Scabbard with forty-five seconds remaining.
How is this possible? I hope he trips in the Pit of the Pendulum and
breaks his leg. And yes, I’m still bitter that the Silver
Snakes were eliminated in the second round.
0:28 — Asher makes it out of the
Temple with thirty seconds to spare. Unbelievable. He and Lacie
celebrate with an awkward pre-pubescent half-hug to minimize the chance
of contracting cooties. Kirk Fogg seems genuinely excited for the two,
screaming about all the fun they will have in Jamaica. On an unrelated
note, I found this nugget on Wikipedia as well:
And so concludes a
successful running commentary on one of the greatest game shows of all
time, Legends of the
Hidden Temple.
