Pat Mitchell is a Giant B
*Pat Mitchell would like you to believe that she is not a baby eater. But she has never gone on record saying she isn't. Perhaps she is too busy eating babies.
Recently noted entrepreneur and philanthropist Ted Turner came to the University of North Carolina to be interviewed by former Public Broadcasting Station President and Chief Executive Officer (and giant B) Pat Mitchell in front of a general audience, of which I was a member.
The interview went smoothly enough, with Pat throwing biographical questions at Ted, and Turner responding with his down-to-earth wit and good-ole-boy humor.
After approximately forty-five minutes of exchange, Pat asked the audience of a couple hundred if they had any questions for Turner. Seated in the balcony, I immediately raced down the stairs to claim the fourth place in line of questioners, anticipating the realization of my childhood dream to finally resolve the one question that had burned within for over ten years.
Those before me asked questions concerning business enterprise, international relations, and the morality of philanthropy—jejune inquiries that held no real significance compared to the irresolution that so plagued me since my youth.
My question: "Mr. Turner, first and foremost, congratulations on your numerous successes in the media, including the founding of CNN, TBS, TNT, TCM, on owning the most private land in America, for donating one billion dollars to the United Nations, and, most importantly, on your genius in creating Captain Planet. However, despite your amazing foresight in the business world and your considerable contributions to the global cause, why in the world did you trade David Justice?"
*The trade left David Justice so crushed that he divorced Halle Berry, fueling rumors about his sexuality.
David Justice was a key member of the Atlanta Braves (owned by Ted Turner) during the early- and mid-nineties, putting up MVP numbers year in and year out and leading the team to a World Series in Championship. He was then promptly traded to Cleveland, where hit .329 with 33 homeruns and 101 runs batted in the following season. Not only did the Braves lose his potent offensive prowess, they lost his leadership and pension for winning, and have predictably choked in the playoffs every year since. Furthermore, the trade of David Justice began the eventual transformation of the makeup of the team from likeable studs like Jeff Blauser and Fred McGriff to a team of chapped-lipped losers like Chipper Jones, alienating me as a fan in the process.
It was my turn to ask my question. I stepped up to the microphone and looked Turned in the eye. I needed an explanation as to why anyone would willingly crush a little boy's belief in his team, and this was my opportunity. Unfortunately Pat Mitchell cut me off and declared the interview over. She then proceeded to throw her head back, laugh maniacally, and whisk away from the auditorium on her broom.
Pat Mitchell is a giant B.
