Letter of a Reasonable Request for a Living Condition Upgrade

      Having been a reasonably satisfied member of the inaugural Ram Village on-campus apartment project, I must first commend you on supervising a largely successful effort. I have requested repairs done to my apartment in the past, and many have been met with a genuine desire to rectify whatever wrongs have taken place.
      Upon first moving in August of 2006, I notified your staff that the cable television in my room did not work. Though no one has yet come to repair the faulty cable, I am confident that one day the necessary effort will be made.
      Later in the year, as the blasting winds of winter hit and snow blanketed the ground in icy envelope, it became apparent that our heat did not work. For many weeks we suffered as our request was processed, until finally the utility experts informed us that not only was the heat connection installed in a backward fashion but that a necessary part to regulate the heat was completely missing from our apartment. Not to worry, we were assured, for the repairmen promptly reconnected the heat necessary for survival, and soon the temperature in our apartment went from an unbearable fifty-two degrees to the much less frigid eighty-five degrees Fahrenheit. We were assured, however, that we would soon regain control over our own apartment’s temperature as soon as the heat regulation unit could be ordered, processed, delivered, and installed in the coming weeks. Again, my thanks go out to you and your staff for solving this temperature dilemma.
      At the beginning of the following semester, I awoke to a knock on my door from the maintenance crew. Apparently complaints were rampant of weak showerheads, and while the pressure of the liquid spurting from my head had always been somewhat weak, I was somewhat disappointed when I discovered that the replacement head spurted an even weaker stream. I applaud the effort, however, for as with everything in life, it is the thought that counts.
      As recently as one week ago the elevator in our building malfunctioned and refused to transport its passengers to their desired destination. The breakdown occurred on a Friday evening, thus repairs could not begin until the following Monday due to worker’s regulations. So I had the privilege of forced exercise, using the stairs to walk up the six flights of stairs to my top-floor apartment. The elevator was fixed that Monday, only to fail again later in the week and remain in disrepair for quite some time. Again, I feel I am in much better shape because of this malfunction, and send you my praise for the extra workouts (especially effective when lugging groceries, garbage, and luggage).
      Now a blind has fallen off of my shades, the middle drawer of my dresser is broken, the toilet paper roll holder has become so warped that it no longer holds the roll of toilet paper, the patrolling on-duty residential assistants in charge of addressing nighttime issues refuse to answer phone calls, and the absurdly thin walls have led to a contentious relationship between myself and my nocturnal neighbors. And while I have not yet reported these malfunctions out of my own unfounded fear that you and your staff will only ignore me or, worse, exacerbate the problems, I am fully confident in my ability to subsist in these present decrepit conditions.
      I do have one request, however, and because I have been such a satisfied tenant under your landlordship, I fully expect you to continue your excellent service accommodate my reasonable request. Many months ago I notified you that one half of the ceiling light in my living room had malfunctioned, and though you responded with concern, the problem was never directly addressed with a physical response. I can only assume that the complaint is still being processed through your system, and as such I would like to amend the request to include the installation of a light fixture above the toilet in my bathroom.
      Currently the only light fixture in my bathroom is located above the sink, and the emanations from this fixture do not adequately reach the toilet, forcing me to expel my waste under less than ideal lighting conditions. As is customary of American males, I perform the majority of my reading when defecating at the commode. Because of the poor lighting, however, I find myself constantly straining my eyes to read whatever magazine, book, or internet print out in which I happen to be engrossed while disarming my bowels. Furthermore, the low light makes it difficult to determine if, upon completion of the act, further wiping is needed, for it is difficult to determine just how much brown is on the freshly wiped toilet paper. Already disadvantaged with the debilitating disease known as myopia, the increased strain of low light while dropping a deuce is highly detrimental to my health, and as a responsible landlord I would expect this situation to be immediately rectified.
      One might ask why I simply do not subsist with the problem of poorly lit pooping, as I have so survived with everything else that has fallen apart in my apartment. But to those critics I might be so bold as to proclaim that defecation in reasonable lighting is a God-given birthright to which all men are entitled. Furthermore I can only assume that countless other tenants have strained their eyes to near blindness while attempting to read in these unacceptable conditions. For too long have too many shat in too low of light. Respond to my reasonable request and rectify this injustice at once!

All the best,

Timothy Lee