Letter of Apology to Whitney Kenerly
*WAK
To Whitney Kenerly,
As roommates we share many things: a living space, a bathroom, cooking utensils, and above all, trust. But tonight I must confess that I broke that trust, and it is with the heaviest heart that I beg your forgiveness not only to avoid retribution, both overt and subversive, in our shared quarters, but, more importantly, to salvage our glorious camaraderie.
Recall if you will the events of the last few hours. I sat in the living room, watching our Tar Heels pummel a lesser opponent in familiar fashion. The first half was coming to an end when I heard the amble of your footsteps down the stairs and into the adjoining kitchen. You proceeded to wash a few cups, I think, (my memory wavers at the recollection as my attention was fully focused on the game), noticed that I was watching the basketball game, and remarked, "Oh, do we have a game today?"
Though initially appalled that someone who did not know that her own university was flexing its might on the national stage that evening would presume to use the possessively inclusive "we" as an identifier, I, having grown callous to the transgression because of several past occurrences in which that same scenario had taken place, held my tongue and continued to watch the game.
After a series of grunts meant to be your Tyler Hansbrough impression, you sat down on the adjacent couch and proceeded to cheer things like, "Oh go Ty Lawson!" When I corrected your remark, stating that the player with the ball was not Lawson but Wayne Ellington, you non-chalantly replied, "I know, but I'm rooting for Ty anyway. He's cute. He's got, like, a soccer-butt."
This critique called to mind the last time we watched a UNC basketball game together, our recent contest against the University of Maryland. The game was close throughout, and we eventually lost our perfect record, but what I remember most from that game were your many physical critiques of the players, ranging from a criticism of Coach Roy Williams necktie to saying that Maryland player James Gist looked like he had, if I can recall the phrase correctly, "dick-sucking lips."
*Foreground: James Gist
For me the line had been crossed, and with the game well in hand, I decided to have some fun at your expense, Whitney, and for that I offer my sincerest apologies. After I posed the hypothetical question, "How many dates would it take before you would let Ty Lawson consummate your relationship," you asked, "Which team does Orlando Magic play for?"
Seeing my opportunity, I ran with the question and quickly stated that he played for the Miami Heat. I proceeded to ask you if you knew who Dwayne Wade was (to which you replied, "Did he play for us before we were freshman?"), and then I showed you a picture of Dwayne Wade on my computer and told you that he was Orlando Magic, shooting guard for the Miami Heat, and that he played for UNC in the late nineties. You then stated, "That's right, and Magic Johnson is the guy with AIDS, right?"
*Not the same
Whitney, the guilt of my lie hangs over my head like a suspension bridge. The Orlando Magic are a professional basketball team located in the central-Floridian city of Orlando. They play in a league known as the National Basketball Association, which is a conglomeration of teams whose owners pay their players a salary to play the game of basketball. In fact, even some of our players at the University of North Carolina have gone on to play in the National Basketball Association, including a player named Michael Jordan, who actually enjoyed some success in the league.
Again, I apologize for my transgression. At the time I thought it would be humorous to see you try to impress some of your friends with your basketball knowledge by regaling them with stories of the noted Tar Heel alumnus Orlando Magic, or perhaps seeing a Dwayne Wade commercial featuring Orland Magic and critiquing his chipmunk cheeks. I now realize the error of my ways, and not only will I prevent those disasters from occurring I will educate you, should you so desire, on actual basketball knowledge so that no one will ever discover your deficiency.
Also, Magic Johnson is indeed the guy with AIDS.
All the Best,
Timothy
Lee
