A Gift of Love to Coach K
In a continued effort to fleece Duke University of their best professors' pedagogies at a tenth the fee of what their registered students elect to pay, I have enrolled in another English class this semester at that school through the Inter-Institutional Agreement between Duke and my University of North Carolina, free of charge. Though my fellow students in the course are somewhat awkward, overdressed, and homely, the two professors convey their masterful knowledge of contemporary fiction with insightful lucidity and inspiring oration, and I am fully satisfied with my classroom experience thus far.
There exist, however, several drawbacks to the Duke experience as a whole, including their terrifyingly themed, on-campus McDonald's restaurant. Located in the student union at the heart of the campus, my schedule forces me to grab a quick meal there the two days of the week I plunder the University of its educational services, and like Marlow and his journey into the heart of the wilderness, I feel it necessary to relay my harrowing travels with the reader and recount an accurate description of the horror.
* "The horror! The Horror!" —Mr. Kurtz
Were Dante alive today, he would most certainly include the Duke McDonald's in his Inferno as another Circle of Hell, most likely between the Seventh and Eighth Circles. This new Seven-Point-Fifth Circle would force the condemned to immerse themselves in the atmosphere of the horrifying Duke Basketball-themed murals that plague its walls, a slightly worse fate than the Seventh Circle's damnation to being boiled in a river of blood for all eternity, but not quite as bad as the Eighth Circle's condemnation to punishments such as a sword-wielding demon hacking its sufferers into pieces only to be healed and hacked again in an interminable cycle.
* "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." —Dante Alighieri
In addition to the obscene murals, the food selection is scandalously overpriced, lacks a dollar-menu, and does not offer breakfast items. One can only imagine how many have fallen victim to the horror over the years.
Recently the restaurant began its annual fundraiser for the Ronald McDonald House Charities. Pity obligated me to donate my dollar, and in return I was given a "Gift of Love" paper heart on which I was to write my name and place anywhere on the walls. Having already established myself as a fierce anti-Duke warrior through my "Dook Girls...Have Testicles" t-shirt campaign, I knew that I could not have my real name adorn such a blasphemous wall without fear of reprisal from both sides of the Carolina-Duke rivalry, so I instead used my French alias, Daniel Ouche. Carefully I placed my heart like a beacon on the most prominent position of the mural, the cheek of Duke Basketball Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski. Unfortunately, I could not fit my entire alias onto the heart and was forced to abbreviate:
* Daniel Ouche, Mike Krzyzewski
A dollar donation was the least I could do. One can only hope that others will soon follow suit.
